to love or be loved

We often teach ourselves and others: “to love and be loved.” In other words, if we learn to love others, we will be loved in return. The initiative should come from us, and as a consequence, we will receive the reward of being loved. Thus, in instances when our loved is ignored or rejected, we end up feeling empty and unloved.

Which is harder, to love or to be loved? I did not have a clue on how to answer this question, but I took it to heart. I wanted to find answers… I myself have so many questions that no one had answers. Even me…

After some time thinking, the question gained contour. But instead of finding an answer, the first thing that came to my mind was another question: What is to love?

I am not completely sure if what I have arrived at is true, given the heartaches that I already experienced. The only thing I am sure of is that love entails of some letting go. It is allowing the other to grow, to chase her happiness even if that quest does not include my own. Love keeps one happy with the thought that the one you let go will be happy, even if it means being without her. Because it is in letting go that I can give her the possibility of being happy…

Even without this person, loving transforms life into living. Love puts action into life. Life is not life when lived in passivity.
Life becomes vibrant when one loves. Love colors the boredom that the routine  of life brings. Breathing is no longer just for purpose of keeping the self alive, it becomes living for the loved one.

Is loving the same as having? (See? I told you, I have so many questions…) it is not. If I claim ownership of someone, she will not be the same person I loved when she was not my possession. Having someone makes it so much harder to let her go. It will never be easy because there will always be a desire to have that person. Maybe its human nature to be greedy and to want what one loves. But in the course of having, love disappears.

So loving someone is hard… it seems to be having but it is not. It is a conscious action so that it is not allowed to turn into ownership. It is a giving in to one’s very nature, to same time, it entails some control over one’s natural impulse to own.

But what is it to be loved? I believed that being loved entails utmost patience. Why? Being loved is an act based on the other person. It is hard in the sense that one cannot control how the other loves. It is like having a stranger hold one’s hand. There is fear that this person will lead one to an unknown place. What if this person does not let go?

Is it hard to know that a person does not love you the way you want her to? It is one of life’s greatest tensions: the incongruence between how one is being loved and how one loves. To be loved is also hard because it involves acknowledging the possibility that one can never control how the other person loves. It involves an uncertainty which can condense into fear.

So which is harder between loving and being loved? I still haven’t come to a conclusion. The intensity by which love impacts a person can make everything both easy and hard. To love someone makes it easier to live, but at the same time, life can be harder because that someone can never be owned. To be loved entails patience which forms character. But it also involves a fear, an ambiguity.

The more important question is, will love be ever easy? I want to believe it is, but life proves otherwise…